College football Bottom 10 after Week 5 – Michigan back

Inspirational thought of the week:

I keep on messing it up
Keep holding on
When I know it’s wrong
I keep on messing it up
So scared to leave
But it’s killing me
To be finding reasons
Hoping believing
When I know it’s not love
I keep on messing it up
Keep holding on
When I know it’s wrong
I keep on messing it up

— “I Keep On Messing It Up,” Only The Poets

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the back room of the laundromat where Josh Pate has his shirts shrunk, we have entered October, the month that ends with the scariest date on the calendar, with our hands over our eyes, already afraid of peer into the pain that this calendar page hath already wrought.

Too terrified to take a look at Oklahoma, which will schoon its way down the Red River seeking to salvage a season that began with College Football Playoff hopes, now settling to put a hook into the Horns’ No. 1 ranking. Too aghast to gaze into the eyes of State College, where folks are too afraid to fix their gaze on the latest box scores from Blacksburg, where everyone is still stupefiedly staring at the left upright. And anyone hesitant to cohabitate with horror need never take a gander at the Gamecocks, who continue to turn second halves of football into South Carolina sequels of “Saw.”

But if you’re seeking images of hope, of proof that no matter how low it all feels that there is a reason to believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is indeed a way out and not a train coming from the other direction, then look no further than the Artist Formerly Known as UMess, who … wait, my producer is in my ear … what’s that? They lost too? OK, I got nothing. Good luck.

You: We’re 4-0, McGuirk is sold out, the College Gameday crew all picked us to win, and it’s a perfect fall day.

UMass: https://t.co/YcT6fsxXsb

— Jim Hickey (@Jim_Hickey) October 4, 2026

With apologies to former Georgia Southern lineman Jarrod Leeds, former Pitt kicker Chris Blewitt and Steve Harvey, here are the 2026 post-Week 5 Bottom 10 rankings.

Because of expected inclement weather, Charlotte moved its kickoff with Memphis to 10 a.m., when students were making the walk of shame back to their rooms from parts unknown. A few hours later, the Niners made the walk of shame back to their locker room after losing 59-8.

The Other Huskies have played games against the Big Ten, whose primary footprint is where the school is physically located; the Missouri Valley, where the school is physically adjacent; the Big 12, facing a school that used to be in the Pac-12; and the Sun Belt, where the Other Huskies could be and it would make some sense — and now they finally have their first league game as a member of the Mountain West, which makes no sense.

Ulm, the Hawks lost to, ulm, the University of South Alabama. But hey, ulm, if you’re going to lose 52-35, it’s, ulm, better to do it against the USA.

The Sacks escaped without a loss against Open Date U. and now have what was going to be the Pillow Fight of the Week against Boiling Green, but the Brown Falcons went and fowled that up by upsetting My Hammy of Ohio.

The Wolverines landed in the Coveted Fifth Spot a week ago after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at home against Iowa. Judging from their fanbase’s social media reaction to that inclusion, far be it from me to not keep them here after losing at Minnesota for the first time since “Star Wars” was No. 1 at the box office. Not the sequels. The original “Star Wars.”

What the MAC hath taken from us, the Mountain West hast salvaged, because the Minors, fresh off a 61-7 loss to Whew Mexico, are now hosting our first 2026 Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year against …

The Other Woofpack, who are coming off a clash with the Fightin’ Byes of Open Date U. Now they travel to the Sun Bowl, where according to the mystical Ouija board that is ESPN Analytics, they have an 82% chance of winning and an 83% chance of getting a sunburn during pregame warmups.

Speaking of ESPN Analytics, the Ballers are listed as having a 1% chance of winning at Northwestern’s new $875 million Ryan Field. On a positive note, that’s 1% better than the chance the Northwestern band had of being allowed to play during pregame festivities at the stadium’s opening last week.

Honestly, Akron hadn’t been on our radar until Saturday night. We received a text from inside Central Michigan’s stadium informing us that the Zips had a fourth-and-goal from the CMU 38 and had to punt. That’s the kind of eyewitness news reporting that Bottom 10 Nayshun was built on.

The Scarlet Blights fell to the Indiana “Can You Believe We’re The Defending National Champions” Hoosiers 47-15. They are the only one-win team remaining in the Big Ten, which after conference expansion I believe means they are in 47th place in the league.

Waiting List: Minute Rice, Georgia Teck Wrambling Wreck, Boiling Green, Western Kentucky Hillstoppers, Sam Houston We Have A Problem, Mizzou State, Ol’ The Minions, Southern Missed, Kennesaw Mountain Landis State, Coastal Carolina Cant-a-cleers, Huh-Why-Yuh, Warshington State, Arkansaw, winning an SEC game on the road by way of a stirring OT comeback but then dropping out of the AP Top 25.